I started reading this book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, which brought back teachings I learned when I attended The Landmark Education 3-day seminar more than 2 years ago. Now it comes back to me, the past is useless, the future is an illusion, but the present--that's where all the power to change is, baby! So I made a decision not to project about the results of my CAT scan on Tuesday, and simply enjoy a beautiful Sunday. It was a good decision.
I also came upon the journal I had kept last year as I went through my cancer treatment, reading the entries I realize how angst ridden I was about losing my hair. And here my hair is today, all grown in, blonde as ever! Now why did I waste so much time worrying about that? Knowing hindsight is always 20/20, I've decided to share some of my journal entries from last year on the blog. Clearly there's many of you feeling the way I did back then. Maybe when you read an entry, you'll identify and not feel alone. Here goes:
It's spring, my favorite time of year, and I have breast cancer! I just don't get it. My father walks around, smoking like a chimney at 76 years old. He's survived two open heart surgeries, an operation for an anyerism, and half the time he's out of it. But does he get cancer? Hell no. The guy's like that robot driving around Mars that was supposed to run out of power five years ago but just keeps on driving round and round the planet like an Engergizer bunny. The NASA Control engineers in Houston stare at the screen of Mars as they watch this machine soldier on relentlessly and scratch their heads in confoundment. It's the same way my relatives and parents' friends look at my dad. He's an anomoly.
The daffodils are blooming, and all I have to look forward to is chemotherapy, which, hello, I begin on my dad's birthday. It's not fair. I have friends who have partied like there's no tomorrow, boozing it up, sniffing, smoking, and generally abusing their bodies--and they're older than me! And do they get cancer? No, they just keep carrying on with their crazy lifestyle--even if they look a little harder for the wear.
Now mind you, I could have done better. I like to eat, but honestly, I always exercised like a fiend. No sense dwelling on the what a, could a should a. It's been said that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. So I suppose, as I go through this cancer treatment I'll get stronger by default. Maybe that's a good thing.