Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Cancer Changes Everything

The first two months of this year have been very stressful due to the demands of my job. I'm in sales, and, unless you've been living in a cave, the recession is still alive and well in this grand country of ours, the USA. If you happened to be selling advertising, it's one of those extraneous expenses for businesses, that is the first to get cut when times are tough. Now I'm spending twice as much time to simply maintain the numbers I had a year ago.

I feel as though even if I worked around the clock, 24/7 I would still just keep my head above water with my performance. As a cancer survivor, my health has become a big priority. I'm trying to build up my immune system, which means I need lots of sleep.

The stress has me tossing and turning all night. When I am sleep deprived, I am not as on top of my game during the day. It becomes a vicious cyle. I'm not performing well and I lose sleep. The next day I can't perform well because I'm sleep deprived.

Come Friday night I crash at 9:00pm on the couch, and don't wake up until 11:00 am on Saturday. Perhaps I should have taken disability during my cancer treatments. I am tired, worn out and in desparate need of a vacation.

I want to honor my health after this two-year ordeal with cancer. I sometimes wonder if I would be better off taking a less demanding job with a salary so I can continue to heal.

What if my cancer comes back due to all this stress? I would be very angry for choosing to cave into the pressure of work over taking care of my health. Before I had cancer, this dilemma wouldn't exist. Cancer changes your priorities, your outlook, and that in turn changes your decisions.

Is it better to put your financial security or your health first?
Right now I'm pissed that all these demands have been put on me. I desparately need to get off the race track and take stock. I deserve it after what I've been through. But I can't say: Stop. I can't do this anymore. This much I can do; when the weekend rolls around, I sleep, and let fun take precedent over house work if I feel my spirit needs it. At least then I can focus on letting my body heal.

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