Falling out of love with someone is bittersweet. It's a wistful feeling--that intense fire inside you has suddenly flown outside of your heart like a butterfly dancing around your head, that you can't catch and put back again. After three long years of holding a man inside my entire heart, I realize that sacred space he filled inside me is vacant. It is not something I willed. If that were the case, this feeling would have happened a year ago. Obsession and desire just fades out. In its place comes contempt, indifference and sometimes even hatred. It's sad.
You can't stop yourself from falling in love with someone nor can you stop yourself from falling out of love. As Woody Allen once said: "The heart wants what it wants." A year ago, I prayed to God that I would stop missing him, stop thinking of him. Now it has happened. And for some strange reason I miss the longing.
Of course, actions were taken that precipitated the death of this love affair. One wrongful doing after another builds animousity and bitterness. Those negative emotions build like a snowball rolling out of control down a hill. I suppose when you consider that we choose good or bad actions that effect a relationship, you do have some control over your heart.
All I know is that I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I am tired of being this man's ATM machine. I have lost all respect for him. Right now, I just want to get rid of all that is negative in my life. And that includes him. I miss having love in my heart, but it hurt to damn much. An empty heart that is lighthearted, free and open to new possibilities is better than a heavy, broken heart.
This week my heart released Joe-joe. There's nothing I can do now but listen to what my heart says. It says turn away from the past, look to the future and move on.
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