Saturday, September 29, 2012

No More Drama

For whatever reason, this year has become a time of inner reflection for me. Within the physical realm, not much has happened. I plug along at my job. I go out and have fun. The trips I've made--to Florida, Tennessee and Rhode Island--have all been done in order to celebrate an event or spend time with family.

Thankfully, there have been no deaths or tragedies as this year winds down. Then again, there have been no stellar milestones, either--a big promotion, some leap of good fortune.  There's no drama. That's fine with me because since 2007 I had drama to spare.

A roller-coaster relationship. Break-ups and makeups. Chemo, radiation. Then there was one surgery after another. All totaled, I was operated on seven times due to breast cancer. There was my father's death. My brother's health crisis.

Even though things have been mundane of late, I would be happy to end this year with no major life changes.  The only thing I did that I consider significant this year is work on myself. Last spring, I got a therapist. Together, we rolled up our sleeves are started to dig deep into my psyche.

It's been tough at times, but in the end, it has prompted me to change behavioral patterns. I have quit doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. This has been the year of ME. I've had a couple of opportunities to get involved in another relationship. But I am too busy concentrating on putting myself back together to be bothered.

I knew I had made a major shift in thinking when a man I had dated some 10 years ago found this blog and called me to ask me out since he was going through a divorce. To the outside world, he was quite a catch. A chief technology officer for a shipping company. Handsome. To top it off, he was an awesome tennis player, which was fun for me.

But then I remembered why I rebuffed him back in the day. He was too pushy.  He wanted to get back into a relationship--fast. I don't care how good he looked on paper. I felt used. After his relentless unreturned phone calls, he finally sent me an email that read:  "I'm just too together for you Marcy. You can't handle it. You would rather be a caretaker to a hopeless man."

Perhaps part of that was true.  I saw his serious intent and it scared me a bit. But I had walked away from the drama of being an enabler.  That said, I was too exhausted to jump into yet another entanglement. What's more, I didn't want to expend all that energy with someone still reeling from a breakup--on the rebound. The ending is never good.

When my astonished friend watched me unceremoniously kick this guy to the curb, she said: "If you don't want to date a perfectly eligible man, then you should introduce him to someone who does." As if matching him up was my problem.

I tell this story to illustrate a point. Five years ago I would have barreled head long into this situation without even thinking it through. I used to be like him, blindly running from one dysfunctional relationship to the next. No more. Instinctively, I know this is my time to be a cocoon, to turn inward and fix the broken parts of myself.

When I'm ready to come out and fly, I'll let you know.

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